A letter to my Sister

Adriana had to do an assignment in one of her classes, she wrote a letter to Delayna. She shared it with me and instead of stashing it and loosing it, I figured I would blog.

Dear Sister,
I love you with all my heart. Even though you drive me bonkers, I will always be here for you. When you grow up you're going to want to have a boyfriend, wear makeup, want to cuss to fit in. You won't need to do that because you're going to be perfectly able to fit in. You say now you want to be like me, dress in my clothes, wear my makeup, have long hair, wear the same shoes but you need to express yourself the way you want. You will try your hardest to fit in with people that you think are cool. But your true friends will see that you are perfect just the way you are. You won't need makeup or to do your hair everyday. First because your going to damage your hair and then your going to dye it. You will make stupid mistakes but your mistakes will be what forms you into who you're true personality and make you unique from everyone else. You're an intellegent little girl right now and your so funny, crazy and so you.  I don't want you to ever lose sight of who you really are.
I can't wait for you to grow up and see where you're going to go in life because you can do ANYTHING in your wildest dreams. You're going to discover who and what you will become and I can't wait for you to tell me how stupid you were with your friend and the first boy you kissed (because you can't tell Papa or Mama). But I'll be watching you every step you take when you grow up. Even though I may be 1,000 miles or 20 miles away I'm always here for you  to hear you complain about how dumb someone is acting or what you want for next season. Anyway I just wanted to tell you that no matter what happens in life you're sister will always be here. No matter what I will always see you as my little munchkin that is learning how to speak spanish and your crazy styles of clothes you are wearing. Don't even lose sight to who you really are and never lose where you are from.
Because the most important thing you need to learn is how important your family is even though they will drive you insane!  Always stay a happy, loving, intellegent, sweet and silly little girl!  I love you with all my heart mamas and make sure your always making the right decisions for your future. I love you!!
Love, Sissy

More on Loving the Unlovable

Wow, has God been talking to me lately and then what's even crazier is that He talks to me and then on Sunday, Pastor Todd confirms what was said to me.  It's just crazy!  I'm really beside myself!
So, here's what I was spoken to this past week...

Day 7, Step 4  "The Top 10 Ways to Love the Unlovable"...
I highlighted the following excerpts from the page and then rolled off of those.  So, I will bold & italicize the excerpts. Underline some things that jumped out at me...

So Evinda quotes the scripture, "You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free".  Another saying I've learned to live by is actually a name of a book written years ago by the wife of Raul Reece: "For things tto change, I must change."...As long as you do something with it, in other words, work on you, that unlovable/difficult person no longer holds the same power over you!

This step does require some honest reflecting into your own character because you must go back and look at the three adjectives you used to describe that unlovable person and asee if any of those adjectives actually equal a mirror held up reflecting you.  Most of the time you WILL see yourself staring back at you through those descriptive adjectives....

If you still don't really see your own reflection after digging deeper, then you can move on.  Don't get frustrated because after all, it never hurts to examine your attitudes and behaviors because the reward of understanding yourself better equates to less junk in your trunk.

First of the the verse Evinda quotes jumped out at me and I needed to dig deeper.

It is located in John 8:32, "Then you should know the truth and the truth shall set you free."

Are you asking God for his glasses to see others through?  Do you want to see the truth about what junk you are carrying inside of yourself?  The bible obviously says, "...The Truth Shall Set You Free."  It's the truth about YOURSELF!  Not the difficult person/people in your life.

Luke 10:26 in the Message Bible says,

He answered, "What's written in God's Law? How do you interpret it?"
He said, "That you love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and muscle and intelligence—and that you love your neighbor as well as you do yourself."

vs 27 states what?  AND THAT YOU LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS WELL AS YOU DO YOURSELF."

SAY WHAT!?!?  Oh yes it does!  And don't try to think for one minute, "well that's my neighbor, it's not the difficult person in my life.  Their two different people.  My neighbor is so sweet, caring and easy." --Oh whoops, did I just speak my thoughts out-loud?

These people are in your life for a reason.  And it may just for us to dig into our own crap or junk and see that we've got some cobwebs to clean out.  It may be to touch that person with the love they've never received before.  It may be to show them the LOVE (agape) that only the Lord can give.  Maybe it's for them to learn from you.  

OH BUT WAIT!  What read just one more verse further and what does it say?

vs.28~"Good answer!" said Jesus.  "Do it and you will live."  ~Message Translation  

And he said unto him, Thou hast answered right: this do, and thou shalt live. ~King James  

And He said to him, “You have answered correctly; DO THIS AND YOU WILL LIVE. ~New American Standard  

“You have answered correctly,” Jesus replied. “Do this and you will live.” ~NIV   

“Right!” Jesus told him. “Do this and you will live!”  ~New Living Translations

Guess what, EVERY SINGLE TRANSLATION QUOTES THE SAME 5 WORDS THE SAME...
"DO THIS AND YOU WILL LIVE."
What does that mean exactly?  I wanted to know, so I dug.  The bible says in John 10:10 ~"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." NIV  Some translations say "I have come so that you may have life and have it more ABUNDANTLY."  So, what does Abundantly mean?  According to Dictionary.com it states:  
adjective

1.

present in great quantity; more than adequate;oversufficient: an abundant supply of water.

2.

well supplied; abounding: a river abundant in salmon.

3.

richly supplied: an abundant land.

So in other words John 10:10 is telling me that He has come so that I can live my life in great quantity, adequacy, being well supplied.
Now let's put this all together shall we...
God wants us to not only see others through "His Glasses", but He wants us to see ourselves this "His Glasses".  By doing this, we can love our "neighbor" or the difficult person in our life with the "abundant" love or supplies He has given us.  When we love our difficult person, He is then able to give us our life even more "abundantly".
I pray this opens your heart to unspeakable joy knowing that through God, we can live an abundant life in and through Him!
Learning to love my unlovables...

The thoughts that run through my head

I had a whole other topic & blog in my head, but with such an emotional day, I've seem to have lost it all.
Well this morning didn't start out all that great. I was woken up at 7am by Miss Dee...Mama was NOT ready to wake up. I saw Jose go out the door & close it. I tried calling to him to take Delayna so I could get some more sleep, but he didn't hear me. Dominic did, so he climbed up into the bed and I told him to get the remote and turn on the t.v. for him & Dee to watch cartoons. They sat for a bit, but Dee crawled down and opened the door. I thought she was going downstairs with Jose. So I turned over and tried to catch a few more ZZZ's. A few minutes later Dominic wakes me up and says, "Mama, look at what Delayna did to your computer!"
I look down and this is what I see...


Oh My! Was I furious!!! I took it downstairs to show Jose. My mood was NOT what it should have been. Yes, she's a baby, yes she was left unattended, yes I know she's busy...BUT, I was still pissed!
So Jose took it and started working on it to attempt fixing it.
I headed to the kitchen to clean and burn some steam, then upstairs to get ready for church.
We left all of the kids home. Jose had a friend here that spent the night, Dee was too sick to go in the nursery & Adi watched her for us.
We got to church & honestly, I was not in the best of moods. Besides my computer being torn to shreds, Jose & I learned that Ant's friend that was over was stoned out of his gourd when he was here last night. We had a long talk on the way to church & were just besides ourselves in what to do, how to handle it and wondering if our son had any part in it.
We went in & kinda just sat by ourselves up front. I greeted a few people, but wasn't in the mood. My mom came in and I talked to her about it.
Service started & there were new songs. Not that it's a bad thing, but it's hard to get into a true worship mode when you don't know the songs. Finally they played one that I knew and I was able to kinda get there.
Well then Pastor Mike was introduced & came up. I've only heard him preach to the youth, but I've heard that when he preaches to the adults, he's FIRED UP! I was expecting to get a word, but some of my own feelings were blocking my attention. Mike felt it, not just with me of course, but with the whole congregation. He took a moment to pray for the heaviness to be lifted, for our focus to be on what God has for us, etc. By then I was able to open up to what God had.
He had us go to the story of God healing the paralytic. He talked about our own lives and how we are crippled with fear. And how we need to be like those friends of the paralytic who fought to get him to Jesus, no matter what/how. We need to be like that and fight to get to Jesus, no matter what it takes!
God has really been dealing with me regarding fear. It's something that I have been crippled with for YEARS! In So many areas of my life. But, not many people would know that. I make things look easy, I look comfortable, I look ok. But you can't see what's going on inside. How I fight to talk, walk, move forward. I'm afraid of what they'll say, think, feel, judge, condemn, pass judgement, turn me down, tell me "no", the list goes on forever!
God really spoke to me through Pastor Mike this morning! I don't have my notes in front of me & I'm so fried at this point, I can't & won't get everything on here that i want to.
But, God has been dealing with me regarding so many things! Fear, moving me forward into what He has for me, learning my self worth, learning the power I have in and through Him, Friendships (who and what), bringing me back to my first love, bringing me back to His love for others and the list goes on!
I went up to the alter and weeped like a baby out to my Heavenly Father (something else he's been dealing with me. you see, I never had a father/daddy to love me. So even turning to my Heavenly Father, it's a challenge!). But I felt as though something broke off of me. Then the longer I sat there crying out to Him, I felt something creep in and tell me, "Everyone is watching you. Who is wondering what your crying about. Your supposed to be a leader & your up here crying about fear? People are judging you." And as i felt it creep in, I hear Pastor Todd take the mic and say the following..."welcome conviction...rebuke condemnation"
WOW, Thank You My Heavenly Father! And as I welcomed the conviction of my actions and rebuked the condemnation that I was putting upon myself, i was able to open another door to my heart.
I can't tell you how long I was up there crying out to God, being prayed over, have life & words spoken into me. But I can tell you, my Heavenly Father did a work! My face was covered in black make up, snot wiped from my nose and onto my pants, eyes burning like I was in a chlorine bath & head pounding from so many emotions and thoughts running through my head. All not physically great, but spiritually AWESOME!
I have SO much I need to work on, starting with ME! I have so much pain to work through, focus to change and love to allow in.
I pray that I can take this daily to God and that i would be awakened daily with a spirit from God. Remembering to seek Him first & daily!!!!

Then this evening PT ministered to the Youth Group regarding spiritual purity. All I can say is, "WOW, did he read Ant's book!" He spoke some powerful words into my boys life. God has been using situations to allow us to feed into Him what God says, does and commands. But for Ant to hear it from our Pastor, I believe it hit his core. I have yet to talk with him one on one, but God is working & I choose to believe that we have been going through a season for a reason!
CHANGE IS COMING
Hmmm, just found this & it spoke everything i've been thinking...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lip2K4x2Mhg

Friends & Heartache

After reading my friend Jessica's blog, I decided to blog about my friends.
Once again, I'm at a crossroads as to who my "real friends" are. You think you have them and there are those who lead you to believe that they are your friend...BUT are they?
I had a deep intimate conversation with a friend recently who informed me that some of my "friends" have really been talking about me. Not only to her, but others. As well as others talking about me.
I'm not going to lie, it hurts. But I guess that's why I have this wall built up around my heart. Pastor Todd has taught us that if we have illness with our "brother or sister" we are to go to them. But how do you go to someone who is intentionally doing this...it's their character. I've heard it come out of their mouths about other people. Never thought that it would come out about me, but I guess if that's their character, they will talk about everyone.
I've ALWAYS had issues with making friends. I'm one who will love and trust you with all I have, and even if you hurt me, I will push it aside and continue to love you. Guess that's what happens when your abused as a child. But as I've grown older, I've learned to build a wall up. It's a defense mechanism. It allows me to let people "in", but if I'm ever hurt, the wall is there not allowing the pain to penetrate me. After an offense is done, I learn, I can't trust that person. I don't even know how to deal with it.
There was an incident that happened recently where someone meant to tell someone something about me, but ended up telling me. Not the other person. How do I deal with this? I acted as if nothing ever happened. It hurt, but I don't even know what to do. I now know this person isn't a friend. I now know I can't trust this person. I now know this person is another one of those people talking smack about me. I will NEVER be a "friend" to this person.
But how do I address this person? I feel as though it needs to be confronted, but how?
Melissa knows to just let it go & not say anything. To keep my wall up, but still be there to hang out or whatever.
I guess once again, it's been proven...You can't trust anyone! I've been hurt in my life enough, it's no wonder why I have such a hard wall built up around my heart and don't let anyone in to love me.
I've never really allowed anyone to break through and love me with the love that I deserve. Not God, my mom, Jose, no one. It really sucks, because I honestly don't know what it is to be truly loved. I've tried opening up, tearing my walls down, allowing God in. But sure enough, as soon as I open myself up, I am stabbed right in the heart by someone, causing me to close back up.
No wonder I have such a hard time with acceptance.
I don't know how/what to do to fix this. Guess it will take God & time.