I'm birthing

Not in a physical form, but spiritual.
God placed in my heart years ago to have a women's bible study. I thought about it, looked into it, talked about, but it never happened. I was kinda bummed & sad, but it was alright. My whole goal is to be in God's will, not mine.
So for the past few months, God's been speaking to me. I believed, but also wanted it in His time, not mine. I didn't want to do anything in "Melissa's" strength or timing.
As I thought, questioned, prayed, seeked, I learned that I also pushed God away. Told him no, too many times, let depression come in, self insecurities, etc.
I was also going through some things, which I now see were growing pains. Stuff that I thought at times I would walk away from the "church" as a whole. Not that I wanted to, but was pushed to so many limits in so many ways, I was DONE!
As I pushed through, God spoke to me. He met me where I was at, in the pain, depression, fear, self doubt. I went to two different services. One that Pastor Todd taught & one Pastor Mike taught, at the end there was an alter call at both. I was at my breaking point, let it all out and God met me. He spoke to me through a couple of people, people who had NO IDEA what i was going through.
He then whispered to me, "your going to start your bible study. I want you to step out and trust in me. Don't look to the left or the right. I will put it into play, just move forward and open it up."
So, I put it out there. I first started with opening my home and inviting some of the ladies in my life. That went so well that it was asked that I do it again. So I did, this time it doubled in size!
I asked them if they would be interested in doing the bible study and the response was surprisingly great.
At this point I have 5-6 women who plan on attending.
God lead me to do The Frazzled Female bible study. He spoke it to me, and then my friend Sandy confirmed it...
Beginning October 1st (which coinsidentally enough is a Friday) I will be starting my bible study.
It hit me while I was doing the dishes...I'm going to be doing a bible study out of my home. Something my heart has desired for such a long time!

Interception & a TD

Ant had game #2 tonight in Menifee playing against Herritage High School. Unfortunately I wasn't able to go because Little had Color Guard until 3:45 & Ant's game started at 4pm.
Just got a text and once again, Beaumont Freshman won...15-12.
Ant said he got an interception and almost made a touchdown! ACK, I'M SO FREAKING STOKED! My boy is doing so good in football. I am such a proud Mama!

I didn't post about this, but last Wednesday I ran into Ant's football coach. I stopped him to ask him about something else, but in the conversation he asked me about Ant.
He asked me if this was his first year playing. I told him it was. He stated, "he told me that, but I didn't believe him." He also went on to tell me that he is very impressed with Anthony. That his skills are up there with the kids that he's been coaching for 6-8 years. He expects Ant to be on the Varsity team if not next year, then his Jr. year for sure.
Coach Gabe Penna was telling me that he makes a list of his boys every season. He said he'll sit down and start writing down names as they come to his mind. Anthony was in the top 12...he was saying that's how impressed he is with him.
I'm just flabbergasted!!!!
My boy has a very promising future. Now to keep him focused and see that he has a lot at stake if he messes around.
God's hand is upon him either way!

UGH!

I am SO stinken tired lately! I really don't know what's wrong with me. I have been going to sleep before 10pm every night and fighting to wake up by 6am...Granted, Delayna is still waking up 2-3 times a night, but still, WHAT THE HIZECK!?!?!
I went to go to my "Vitamin Guy" yesterday, but his store was closed. After posting on FB I found out that he moved shop. So I plan on hitting him up today to see what I can take, maybe some B12.
I need to get exercise back into my routine too. Maybe instead of taking a break and blogging, i could be working out! Anyways, just thought I'd come and complain...HA HA HA HA

The thoughts that run through my head

I had a whole other topic & blog in my head, but with such an emotional day, I've seem to have lost it all.
Well this morning didn't start out all that great. I was woken up at 7am by Miss Dee...Mama was NOT ready to wake up. I saw Jose go out the door & close it. I tried calling to him to take Delayna so I could get some more sleep, but he didn't hear me. Dominic did, so he climbed up into the bed and I told him to get the remote and turn on the t.v. for him & Dee to watch cartoons. They sat for a bit, but Dee crawled down and opened the door. I thought she was going downstairs with Jose. So I turned over and tried to catch a few more ZZZ's. A few minutes later Dominic wakes me up and says, "Mama, look at what Delayna did to your computer!"
I look down and this is what I see...


Oh My! Was I furious!!! I took it downstairs to show Jose. My mood was NOT what it should have been. Yes, she's a baby, yes she was left unattended, yes I know she's busy...BUT, I was still pissed!
So Jose took it and started working on it to attempt fixing it.
I headed to the kitchen to clean and burn some steam, then upstairs to get ready for church.
We left all of the kids home. Jose had a friend here that spent the night, Dee was too sick to go in the nursery & Adi watched her for us.
We got to church & honestly, I was not in the best of moods. Besides my computer being torn to shreds, Jose & I learned that Ant's friend that was over was stoned out of his gourd when he was here last night. We had a long talk on the way to church & were just besides ourselves in what to do, how to handle it and wondering if our son had any part in it.
We went in & kinda just sat by ourselves up front. I greeted a few people, but wasn't in the mood. My mom came in and I talked to her about it.
Service started & there were new songs. Not that it's a bad thing, but it's hard to get into a true worship mode when you don't know the songs. Finally they played one that I knew and I was able to kinda get there.
Well then Pastor Mike was introduced & came up. I've only heard him preach to the youth, but I've heard that when he preaches to the adults, he's FIRED UP! I was expecting to get a word, but some of my own feelings were blocking my attention. Mike felt it, not just with me of course, but with the whole congregation. He took a moment to pray for the heaviness to be lifted, for our focus to be on what God has for us, etc. By then I was able to open up to what God had.
He had us go to the story of God healing the paralytic. He talked about our own lives and how we are crippled with fear. And how we need to be like those friends of the paralytic who fought to get him to Jesus, no matter what/how. We need to be like that and fight to get to Jesus, no matter what it takes!
God has really been dealing with me regarding fear. It's something that I have been crippled with for YEARS! In So many areas of my life. But, not many people would know that. I make things look easy, I look comfortable, I look ok. But you can't see what's going on inside. How I fight to talk, walk, move forward. I'm afraid of what they'll say, think, feel, judge, condemn, pass judgement, turn me down, tell me "no", the list goes on forever!
God really spoke to me through Pastor Mike this morning! I don't have my notes in front of me & I'm so fried at this point, I can't & won't get everything on here that i want to.
But, God has been dealing with me regarding so many things! Fear, moving me forward into what He has for me, learning my self worth, learning the power I have in and through Him, Friendships (who and what), bringing me back to my first love, bringing me back to His love for others and the list goes on!
I went up to the alter and weeped like a baby out to my Heavenly Father (something else he's been dealing with me. you see, I never had a father/daddy to love me. So even turning to my Heavenly Father, it's a challenge!). But I felt as though something broke off of me. Then the longer I sat there crying out to Him, I felt something creep in and tell me, "Everyone is watching you. Who is wondering what your crying about. Your supposed to be a leader & your up here crying about fear? People are judging you." And as i felt it creep in, I hear Pastor Todd take the mic and say the following..."welcome conviction...rebuke condemnation"
WOW, Thank You My Heavenly Father! And as I welcomed the conviction of my actions and rebuked the condemnation that I was putting upon myself, i was able to open another door to my heart.
I can't tell you how long I was up there crying out to God, being prayed over, have life & words spoken into me. But I can tell you, my Heavenly Father did a work! My face was covered in black make up, snot wiped from my nose and onto my pants, eyes burning like I was in a chlorine bath & head pounding from so many emotions and thoughts running through my head. All not physically great, but spiritually AWESOME!
I have SO much I need to work on, starting with ME! I have so much pain to work through, focus to change and love to allow in.
I pray that I can take this daily to God and that i would be awakened daily with a spirit from God. Remembering to seek Him first & daily!!!!

Then this evening PT ministered to the Youth Group regarding spiritual purity. All I can say is, "WOW, did he read Ant's book!" He spoke some powerful words into my boys life. God has been using situations to allow us to feed into Him what God says, does and commands. But for Ant to hear it from our Pastor, I believe it hit his core. I have yet to talk with him one on one, but God is working & I choose to believe that we have been going through a season for a reason!
CHANGE IS COMING
Hmmm, just found this & it spoke everything i've been thinking...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lip2K4x2Mhg

Time

It seems as though I don't have enough of it in a day, or at all lately! I just realized I haven't posted since school ended in July and here we are finished with 2 weeks of the new school year already.
I also noticed, I never blogged about Easter this year. I found pics of my Gramma & Dee that I never posted...what the heck!?!?
Well, I am sick today & plan on being home all day tomorrow and possibly Monday, so let's see how much I can update.
I may be back dating some of these, so they correspond with the correct days. Anyhoot...TTYL