Wednesday, September 16, 2009

I'm crying out

I have started a new class at the church. Jose was approached a few months ago about attending a Leadership Development Class. After we talked about it, we decided to attend.
Well, ever since I started, I have felt something in my heart.
An anger? Sadness? Frustration? I just can't put my finger on it. Maybe it's God trying to work some stuff out of me. Maybe it's Satan attacking me & stealing my ministry. Maybe it's just my emotions & PMS'ing. I honestly don't know & can't figure it out.
I wrote a list last Sunday while in class. This is what I wrote...
My Identity Issues & What I'm Battling...
1) I don't feel worthy enough to have it all (what God has for me)
2) Afraid of what God is going to do
3) Others passing judgement on how I live
4) Finding someone to talk with about it all. Not having someone to counsel with.
5) Walking away from the class feeling like crap & anger.
6) Felling like I am separating myself from the group & not participating.
7) Do I really want to do this?
8) Why is the fear built up so strong?
9) God puts me in the position to minister to others, but why is there no one there for me? Is it me not reaching out? Is it my own personal insecurities? Who can I reach out to? Who is my support?
#9 is probably my biggest issue right now. I'm not one to reach out to others for help. I have always had to "take care of myself" and therefore am not one to "whine" about my issues. I can 99.99% of the time handle the situation I am in by just reaching out to God for help, but sometimes we need flesh.
At our first meeting, I did go to one of the "leaders" to get help. When I started to talk, another girl walked up to her & was crying telling her, "I need to talk to you."
I was pushed to the side. So, the one time that I did try to reach out for help, I was pushed away & rejected. Something that I deal with VERY HEAVILY. I know it's probably something that I shouldn't have an issue with, since I have been dealing with it ALL my life, but it does bother me still.
Then during the last meeting people were talking & saying, "Yeah, I called so & so to get support and understand what was going on." or "I was talking to so & so about my particular situation."
It angered me that once again, everyone around me is getting help & support, BUT ME!
HELLO! AM I HERE? CAN ANYONE HEAR ME? I'M CRYING OUT & NOBODY IS LISTENING!!!!!!!!!!!

I finally opened up to Jose about it tonight. I was afraid of telling him, because I don't want him to tell me, "Just go talk to so & so." or "I don't want you to feel like this."
Well, I can't just go talk to "so & so", that's not me. When I do, it's because it is coming from my heart & I REALLY do need help.
And him telling me that he doesn't want me to feel like this tells me to shove my feelings down & "just keep swimming".

This burden is HEAVY! It's affecting me & I don't know what to do.
I actually emailed one of the leaders & told her I was going to drop. In turn, Jose feels he should drop. Making me feel guilty. I don't want him to drop from something he should be in.
UGH!
Someone, please help. What should I do?

4 comments:

kindra said...

It's funny that you blogged about this, because I have the SAME feelings. I honestly feel like I am the one always reaching out to others & ministering to others, but what about those times I'm hurting & need someone to turn to? My heart aches for you, Melissa & I will be praying for you. If you feel like you should drop out of this class & you feel a peace about it, don't let anyone make you feel guilty. But if you feel like you should stay...let God grow you...as crappy as that feels at times.
Love you, girl and I think you are amazing!! Even our little talk yesterday (before MOTs)...you have SUCH a good heart..love girls like you!

Mrs.J said...

I am here for you just as much as your here for me. Call me any time you want to talk. I wish you could yourself as I see you. I love you, and I am a great listener.

ariesgurrl25 said...

I find myself feeling much of what u are going thru. I'm always the strong one but yet when i'm able to bring myself to ask for help its never there and i feel like no one takes it seriously. With that being said I know we are not on a personal level but if ever u need someone nuetral i'm here for you. U will be in my prayers.

IE Mommy said...

Girl,
I just had to stop and post. Please don't run.

From my experiences the times that I have had the urge to run was because God was preparing to "stretch" me and do something in or through my life I wasn't expecting.

It doesn't happen in a heartbeat. Meaning one event doesn't have to immediately follow another. But what you are learning in this class can be used to His Glory and God already knows when that will be.

But you forget one big thing. There is an enemy out there who doesn't want you to learn about God or His word. He doesn't want you to realize and accept God's graciousness or mercy.

Satan would rather have you feel defeated, insuffiecient, inadequate and unusable. It's his m.o.

God has a plan and purpose for our lives and sometimes we just don't see it.

I know what you mean about wanting and needing a shoulder to cry on. I have felt that way many times. But then God will gently remind me that Christ is my shoulder. His word is what I should cry on and relay on.

Ultimately the decision is between you and God but....

You never know what blessings will come out of the difficult.

Hugs to you!
Christine
The IE Mommy