Saturday, June 5, 2010

Friends & Heartache

After reading my friend Jessica's blog, I decided to blog about my friends.
Once again, I'm at a crossroads as to who my "real friends" are. You think you have them and there are those who lead you to believe that they are your friend...BUT are they?
I had a deep intimate conversation with a friend recently who informed me that some of my "friends" have really been talking about me. Not only to her, but others. As well as others talking about me.
I'm not going to lie, it hurts. But I guess that's why I have this wall built up around my heart. Pastor Todd has taught us that if we have illness with our "brother or sister" we are to go to them. But how do you go to someone who is intentionally doing this...it's their character. I've heard it come out of their mouths about other people. Never thought that it would come out about me, but I guess if that's their character, they will talk about everyone.
I've ALWAYS had issues with making friends. I'm one who will love and trust you with all I have, and even if you hurt me, I will push it aside and continue to love you. Guess that's what happens when your abused as a child. But as I've grown older, I've learned to build a wall up. It's a defense mechanism. It allows me to let people "in", but if I'm ever hurt, the wall is there not allowing the pain to penetrate me. After an offense is done, I learn, I can't trust that person. I don't even know how to deal with it.
There was an incident that happened recently where someone meant to tell someone something about me, but ended up telling me. Not the other person. How do I deal with this? I acted as if nothing ever happened. It hurt, but I don't even know what to do. I now know this person isn't a friend. I now know I can't trust this person. I now know this person is another one of those people talking smack about me. I will NEVER be a "friend" to this person.
But how do I address this person? I feel as though it needs to be confronted, but how?
Melissa knows to just let it go & not say anything. To keep my wall up, but still be there to hang out or whatever.
I guess once again, it's been proven...You can't trust anyone! I've been hurt in my life enough, it's no wonder why I have such a hard wall built up around my heart and don't let anyone in to love me.
I've never really allowed anyone to break through and love me with the love that I deserve. Not God, my mom, Jose, no one. It really sucks, because I honestly don't know what it is to be truly loved. I've tried opening up, tearing my walls down, allowing God in. But sure enough, as soon as I open myself up, I am stabbed right in the heart by someone, causing me to close back up.
No wonder I have such a hard time with acceptance.
I don't know how/what to do to fix this. Guess it will take God & time.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Story of Robin

For some reason, I didn't get this when my Aunt sent it out the first time. But my Uncle told my mom about it today and sent it my direction. You all know how much I love my cousin, Robin. Well this is her mom speaking on Robin's life (or summing it up in 30 mins). It is very moving! I pray you take the time to listen to her story and allow God to touch you through it!

video